Milton Rides Again
by Red Witch
Summary: You can't keep a good toaster down.


**Milton once again took off with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. So, what did happen during all those months Archer was (and apparently still is) in a coma? Here's one bizarre little adventure.**

 **Milton Rides Again **

"Well they found another one," Lana said as she walked into the bullpen.

"Another what?" Cheryl asked. She was eating some groovy bears at a table. Ray was eating some blintzes. And Pam was eating some chicken on top of some pastry.

"Another one of Santa's reindeer," Lana said sarcastically. "This time it was Blitzen in a Burger King. In several Whoppers across several states."

"Oh my God!" Cheryl gasped. "I bet the killer is Rudolph. It's so obvious. He never got over not being invited to the reindeer games."

"Cheryl…" Ray sighed.

"That's a **thing!"** Cheryl added. "Rudolph should have just called the ACLU on their asses."

"She's talking about another person wrapped up in the Long Water Scandal," Ray told Cheryl. "You red haired whore!"

"Who was it this time?" Pam asked.

"The President of the bank of Mines Dakota," Lana said as she sat down.

"Isn't that the bank that was caught opening extra fake accounts for their customers who didn't ask for them?" Ray asked.

"And now we know why," Lana groaned.

"And knowing is a damn good reason to keep your money under your mattress," Pam snickered as she tucked into her meal.

Lana looked at Pam's plate. "Pam…I've heard of chicken and waffles. But I've never seen chicken and…What the hell is **that**?"

"Kringle," Pam said. "The official pastry of Wisconsin."

"What the hell is a Kringle?" Lana asked.

"And why did they name a pastry after Santa Claus?" Cheryl blinked.

"It's a Scandinavian pretzel filled with fruits and nuts and iced," Pam said. "This one is filled with rum, rum soaked raisins, pecans, rum flavored jam and Kringle filling. Which is basically just sugar and cream."

"I'm getting a heart attack, diabetes and drunk just **looking** at that thing," Lana blinked.

"If you eat any more of that we might have to reinforce the floor with that stuff that can support elephants," Cheryl added.

"Hey! Research shows that people who are slightly overweight live longer!" Pam told her.

"Oh God," Ray groaned. "That means Pam's immortal. Just what we need."

"Who put out that study?" Lana asked. "The Burger King Institute of Science?"

"The Science and Shake Shack?" Cheryl added.

"Science Castle," Ray added.

"McResearch?" Lana added. "Over a billion crackpot studies sold."

"Good one," Ray snickered.

"You know…?" Pam looked at them.

"Oh look," Cyril walked in. "Everyone's here. Hooray. Pam…What the hell is that?"

"Chicken and Kringle," Pam said.

"Named after Santa," Cheryl added.

"Not exactly," Pam told her.

"What the hell is a Kringle?" Cyril asked.

"It's basically a Nordic pretzel," Pam explained.

"And **who else** is from Norway?" Cheryl asked. "Santa!"

"Actually, Santa's or Kris Kringle's origins are…" Cyril paused. "No! No! I'm **not** getting involved in…Whatever **this** is!"

"We should postpone this argument for the holiday season," Pam agreed.

Just then the phone rang. Everyone looked at Cheryl.

"What?" Cheryl asked. "Oh! Time for my break!" She left the room.

"I'd love to break her…" Lana groaned.

"Un-freaking believable…" Cyril grumbled as he answered the phone. "Figgis Detective Agency. Cyril Figgis speaking. No case too big or…Oh. Hello. WHAT?"

"This does not bode well," Ray remarked.

"Yes, I see how this could be…" Cyril winced. "Well there's no need for that kind of…No. No. I…Oh yeah. Bring us in front of a judge again. That worked so well the **last time!"**

"This really does not bode well," Ray groaned.

"Fine!" Cyril spoke into the phone. "We'll be right there." He hung up the phone.

"Good news?" Pam asked.

"What made you think that could possibly be _good news?"_ Lana asked.

"I'm an optimistic person," Pam shrugged.

"That was Smart House Incorporated…" Cyril sighed. "Our neighbors…"

"Oh no…" Pam realized where this was going.

"Still think it's good news?" Lana mocked.

"Milton got out **again?** " Ray asked. "What was he doing this time?"

"Apparently there's this new mail robot they've developed…" Cyril groaned.

"Oh great," Lana groaned. "Just what we need. A runaway Romeo toaster."

"How does he keep getting out?" Ray asked.

"Maybe we should get a detective agency too find out?" Pam laughed.

Cyril glared at her. "That's **exactly** what Mr. Spencer the head of Smart House said!"

"Ouch," Pam winced.

"Yeah, he wasn't happy that a toaster the size of a copy machine managed to bypass his state of the art security system again!" Cyril groaned. "All right, who's coming with me to get our wandering appliance?"

"Nooope," Lana shook her head.

"I'll go," Pam shrugged.

"Me too," Ray said. "I've got to hear about **this one!"**

"What about Krieger?" Lana asked. "He's the one who made Milton in the first place?"

"You called?" Krieger walked in wearing nothing but a welder's mask, a welder's apron and some tennis shoes.

"Oh, that answers my question," Lana groaned.

"What?" Krieger asked as they looked at him. "It's hot as balls when I do welding in my lab."

"Put some damn clothes on," Cyril groaned. "We have to retrieve Milton from next door."

"I wondered where he was," Krieger blinked. "What's he been up to?"

"Funny story…" Cyril said sarcastically.

Several minutes later…

"It's not funny!" A thin brown haired man in his twenties wearing a red shirt and jeans snapped. "That stupid toaster of yours is making a mockery of me and my company! I am Todd Packer-Gertz! I was named one of the Fifteen People to watch in Tech Magazine two years ago…"

"You're not that interesting to look at," Ray quipped.

"RAY!" Cyril snapped.

"I should sue you people!" Todd snapped. "I should sue you for…trespassing and stuff!"

"Sue a **toaster** for trespassing?" Cyril blinked.

"Yeah because it worked so well the **last time** we were brought up in front of a judge," Pam scoffed.

"It didn't go well for us," A tall thin pale young man with brown hair in a black t-shirt and black jeans remarked.

"Shut up Gabe," Todd said.

"Especially since that reporter from Tech Magazine was there covering news the trial of Edison Flask," Gabe went on. "The head of Web Tech that got caught in that Long Water Scandal."

"Who are you working for?" Todd snapped at Gabe. "Me or Plot Exposition Magazine?"

"A lot of people got caught up in that scandal," Krieger admitted. "Including us."

"I don't care!" Todd snapped. "All I care about is today's presentation of our Smart House 2 Point Infinity program! And I don't want it disrupted by **that!** "

He pointed to Milton who was throwing toast around and beeping. It was next to a similarly rectangle mail robot who was also beeping.

"We are so going to get ants," Gabe remarked.

"ANTS ARE THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS GABE!" Todd snapped.

"You're in hock up to your eyeballs, aren't you?" Pam asked.

"Yes," Gabe sighed.

"DON'T TELL THEM THAT!" Todd shouted.

"Hang on," Cyril said. "Maybe this is a blessing in disguise Todd…"

"Mr. Packer-Gertz!" Todd corrected.

"Okay…Mr. Packer-Gertz," Cyril paused. "Maybe the Figgis Agency can help you with your security system? Find out the flaws so you can fix them. For a small fee…"

"Your stupid toaster keeps invading my office and you're trying to shake me down?" Todd shouted.

"I hate to say it Todd," Gabe spoke up. "But maybe these guys might be able to help us? Obviously, there are a lot of security flaws. I mean if a **toaster** can get past our security system…"

"We're already the laughing stock of the security tech industry because of these people!" Todd snapped. "If it gets out that a toaster was needed to help us I'd never live it down! We might as well close up shop!"

"But Todd…" Gabe began.

"Shut it Gabe!" Todd snapped. "And you idiots get the hell out before I sue your asses off!"

"Fine," Cyril sighed. "Krieger…"

"Come on Milton," Krieger called. Milton reluctantly followed as they started to leave.

"Get out of here!" Todd shouted. "I don't want this place to stink of losers any more than it already does! If I want to smell losers, I'd smell my employees!"

"What a douchebag!" Pam groaned.

"I heard that, you fat cow!" Todd shouted.

"You want a knuckle sandwich?" Pam snapped as she made a fist.

"Oh, you think you can take me?" Todd shouted.

"I'm pretty sure she can," Gabe gulped.

"Pam no!" Ray held onto her along with the others.

"He's just a kid!" Krieger said. "Let it go!"

"You wouldn't know how to handle me!" Pam shouted as she was pushed away. "I bet the only action your dick sees regularly is with your hand!"

"Hey I have had dozens of women!" Todd shouted. "DOZENS!"

"IN YOUR DREAMS DICKNUTS!" Pam shouted.

"Pam! Pam! Come on!" The guys pleaded as they shoved her out the door.

Later that day…

"It took all of us to keep Pam from killing the kid," Ray groaned as he related what happened to Lana and Cheryl.

"You should have let me whack that little rat bastard," Pam said as she walked in with a bearclaw.

"He wasn't worth it," Ray said. "Even if he was a grade A douchebag."

"Has anybody seen Milton?" Krieger walked in looking around. "I have a hankering for toaster strudel and I can't find him anywhere."

"Oh, this can't be good," Ray groaned. "You don't think…?"

"He went **back** there?" Pam asked. "Maybe?"

Meanwhile next door at Smart House…

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Todd was dressed in a smart suit and tie and standing in front of several people holding cameras broadcasting live. "Investors. Members of the press. We here at Smart House, have discovered the future of home security! Smart House 2 Point O Infinity!"

"Behind me," Todd motioned to a room. "Is an ordinary room. With a priceless Chinese vase, I just bought for ten million dollars on the podium. How will Smart House 2 Point O Infinity protect it? Like this!"

He took out a remote and pushed a button. A force field emerged in front of the door. "Behold! The world's first fully functional force field. It is impervious to metal, human beings. Any kind of machine and tool you can imagine. Nothing can get past this force field. Nothing."

As he turned his back to the room, Milton conveniently rolled around from behind the corner. "With this force field you and your possessions and loved ones will be safe," Todd went on. "From bullets, crowbars…Bats…Other types of weapons."

"Uh Todd," Gabe noticed Milton rolling up to the force field.

"Not now Gabe," Todd hissed. "Nothing can get through this force field. Nothing!"

That was when Milton shot out some toast rapidly at the force field. It seemed to disrupt the field just enough so Milton could pass through it as he rapidly shot out toast.

"Nothing!" Todd said. "Except for air obviously. Because you need to breathe. If you don't have air to breathe you can suffocate and die. But other than that, nothing can get through our force field."

"Todd!" Gabe pointed.

"WHAT?" Todd snapped. Then he turned around and saw Milton use toast to pass through the force field. "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?"

"Nothing except whole grains," Gabe blinked.

"SHUT UP GABE!" Todd shouted.

"So much for an impenetrable force field," A man with a camera remarked.

"HOW THE HELL CAN A DAMN GIANT TOASTER THE SIZE OF A COPY MACHINE BYPASS THE FORCE FIELD?" Todd shouted.

"It must have to do with the density factor," Gabe thought. "See we wanted air to pass through the force field but not solid objects. The toast must be at the exact level of density…"

"SHUT UP GABE!" Todd snapped.

"But toast is **solid,** " A reporter said. "How does **that** not bounce off?"

"Depends on the type of bread used," Gabe shrugged. "Technically a room full of air weighs more than a hundred pounds and is made up of tiny particles. I guess it's just a matter of…"

"I DON'T CARE!" Todd shouted.

"I think you should care a **little,** " Another reporter remarked.

"You should have at least tested that for bugs," The first reporter said.

"That's what I told him," Gabe said.

"SHUT UP!" Todd shouted. "Density or not it shouldn't have been able to use freaking **toast** to bypass it! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Technically air isn't supposed to get in and out of a force field either so…" Gabe began. "There are some real obvious flaws in the system."

"GABE, I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP…" Todd screamed.

By this time Milton was in the room. It bumped the platform and sent the expensive vase crashing into the ground. "And there goes ten million dollars of our money…" Todd groaned.

"You probably could have just used a much cheaper vase to make your point," Another cameraman said.

"I told him that too," Gabe said. "They had a sale at Pottery Barn…"

"YOU STUPID TOASTER!" Todd screamed as he ran towards Milton. "YOU'VE RUINED ME! YOU'VE RUINED…OWW!" Gabe ran right into the force field.

Milton just popped some toast out.

The following day…

"Shares of Smart House Technology fell like a rock over a cliff after yesterday's less than stellar presentation," Darlene Love reported in front of a building. "The company has now just declared bankruptcy and everyone has been laid off."

"That explains why all the employees are looting the building," Lana remarked as the Figgis Agency watched the news. Scenes of people running out of it carrying boxes and computers.

Cyril looked at Milton who was there as well. "This is another fine mess you've gotten us into." Milton beeped in response.

"How the hell can toast pass through a force field anyway?" Ray asked.

"Depends on what kind of bread is used I guess," Krieger shrugged.

"The founder and head of the company Todd Packer-Gertz was taken to a hospital where he had to be restrained following a nervous breakdown…" Darlene went on.

"I tell ya," Pam stood up. "When you can get outsmarted and taken out by a toaster. You seriously need to re-evaluate your life choices."

"Where are you going?" Lana asked Pam, Ray and Cheryl who were leaving the room.

"Next door to see what we can loot before the creditors show up," Pam said.

"See if you can get some office supplies," Cyril groaned.

"I think we're way ahead of you on that," Krieger pointed.

The mail robot from Smart House rolled up and started beeping. "Great," Cyril groaned. "Now we have **two robots** that basically don't do anything but cause trouble."

"Then they'll fit in perfectly **here,"** Lana groaned.


End file.
